purple hamster

i'm suddenly remind of why i didn't want to come home.

but clarke quay was fun last night. thanks mydear, for bringing me to the best-kept secret of girly hangouts! (best kept from me anyways) i really really had the funnest time since i came back.

but it's not the home that i left behind.

singapore's different, but the same. marina's completely different (to my private relief) and i finally saw the (in)famouse dxo. can't wait to see zouk, everyone's been talking about it taht i can't wait to go and see. i've also been eating. heaps. it's also humider then i remembered, and newton is just... different. but the best part is that, the friends are the same. and God bless you for that.

• to you and you who brought me out the first day, and gave me the courage to face everyone else, i thank you. thanks for bringing me to pig out, and for a very very special christmas. i still think that coming back to my house was the best idea. =)
• to the party crew =) thanks for giving me my space and still fussing over me, keeping me well plied with drinks, but leaving me to the relative solitude of the sumptous bedroom. and thanks for the best gift, confidence.
• to the sentosa bunch. thanks for the fun, and the company, and for respecting that i couldn't get wet. and to you, who showed me faith and trust. you touched me with the simple gift, more than any jewels or gold would have.
  
• to you who walked me round orchard, shopping for the perfect dress. we didn't find it, but i found the perfect acceptance, that has eluded me in so many others. thanks for listening, and letting me vent, and for really understanding, and offering a been-there-and-gone-through-it side of things. altho not quite the same, knowing that it is survivable is fabulous, and the reminder that after a fall to the bottom, you can only go up, really really helped. thank bboj for me too!
• to the brissites! thanks for the chocolate, food, and fun. you reminded me of all that i have waiting for me when i got back to bris.
  
• and to you for your message. you gave me the best christmas present. you've silently been a part of me for so long as well, that suddenly realising that my loss causes more loss is a terrible thing to realise. you've reminded me that i am still the same girl.

and to all those people who have told me that i am still me and i haven't changed. for some reason, that i don't change is so very very important, because my personality is me, it is not something that is imfluenced by the outside, rather is is changed by what i experience. which honestly is not that much different from when i left up until the 2 week of december.

i know i said this was the last post until the 23rd of december. so i lied. shoot me.

i'm at centro tweed, at the edge of the outback. and i'm holding up well.

i feel... different. i know that my story will only be known to a few, and understood by none. too many people have asked, and not understood, that explaining only gets in the way.

and since it's almost christmas and the new year, i thought that i'd do my new year's reflections and resolutions now, since when i come home, i'll be too busy running... getting over my life.

it's been an eventful year. i'm so proud of myself, i've grown so much, and accomplished so much in my life, this year, and overcome so many difficulties. like relapse, like working, like so many many things that i've done, i've come through stronger. i've worked hard and achieved grades that i'm proud of, made it into the degree that i've wanted, and really really done everything on an amibitious level that i've wanted. i may not have played as much as i wanted, but i've done things and gone places that once upon a time i would have never dared to. i can only hope that with every new years' i can sit and reflect, and feel as proud of my accomplishments as i do today. i've sacrificed so much to do this, that brooding about it only makes me wonder if it was worth it. i don't think it was. but that's another tale for another time.

on a personal level, i've had to let go of someone who ment and still means alot to me. Ben has been such a big part (and priority) in my life, that it's really hard to comprehend losing him. although i really don't know what it was that i did, i respect his decision, and i just hope that he'll be happy with his choices that only he and i know about. we still are friends, and maybe with time, i'll understand why.

i've also had to say goodbye to so many people. it's hard to understand how/why the hurt hits so suddenly, but i understand that when it's time to go, it's time to go. i can only hope that when it's my time, i will go with as much diginity, grace and respect that those who have gone before me have.

with my friends, i just thank God for each and everyone of you. many of you have given me support in the painful times, and celebrated with me my successes. when i was confused to cleared the air, and when i hurt, you soothed me. i only hope that with my new life, i will never make you feel out of touch, beacuse you all still make (and rock) my world.

my resolutions:

• to learn to love again. just like i have had to learn that once, i have to learn to trust and love again. my life has always revolved around the one i love, and i'm determined not to forget how to try to make someone feel important.
• to learn to be content. to not let my high expectations of myself lead to high expectations of others, because expectations only leads to regret. just becuase you treat someone a certain way, or want to do things to the best of your ability, does not mean that you will be treated in the same manner.
• to learn to please me. i want to learn so many many things, that i refuse to give them up.
• to continue to achieve that which i have never done before. there's always a further star to jump to, a higher goal to reach.
  
• to learn to be healthy. that's harder for me than most of you think. but i will prevail.

also, i want to put a disclaimer on this blog. i will put it here now, and put it up again later:

i have never hid any of my feelings, and i will not start to do so now. everything that i struggle with, every thing that has caused me hurt, is explored in this blog. i am not a girl who believes that hiding emotions makes one stoic, i believe that by truthfulness and self-discovery, one learns to be stronger. i have my story, and i will not apologise for it.

well.. this is the last post you will see until the new year. or at least until the 23rd of december.

it's been an interesting year.

a part of me can't wait to go home. a part of me wants to stay here forever.

two paths that diverge away for me. the path that i take will be equally hard, but the road less travelled yields more fruit.

i'm content.

i have removed all the posts that pretain to this issue. from now on, you get your info here

new woman. takes time to get used to that tag.

today, i'm gonna talk about me...

i've graduated today. 6 months of sheer hard work, and i've attained a perfect 7 (87% is the lowest grade i've got) i'm really really so proud of this.

• i've worked my butt off for this. ask anyone who lives in foundation/any of the teachers. i'm in school 6 days a week, from the time i wake up until earliest 4 on sat, and 6 on weekdays.
• i've proven that i can look after myself, in dire circumstances, and still do well. like, i'm-proud-of-you well, not oh-well-you-did-your-best well
• i've sacrificed so much for this, and this is the only thing that iwant for me-only
  
• it's the best grade

i'm too sleepy to think of the rest. but i'm really proud of myself.

just a note to all the other readers of this blog, while i(we) appreciate your concern(s), this is something that i'd(we'd) rather have no interference on. many people mean well, but communication is best when it's not three way.